Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
