I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
