i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
