First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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