it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
