I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
