answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize