We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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