Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
