the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
