she woke up with a sticky ear
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
