Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
