By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
