I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
