hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize