I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
