I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
