Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
