WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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