The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
