Your dad touched me again.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
