May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
