I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
