There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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