Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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