Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
