In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
