My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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