you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you never un-have a 4some
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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