he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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