you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
