i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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