I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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