Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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