so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
