oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
