i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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