On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i love accidental penises.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize