the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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