My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
