i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize