My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
