Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think I sprained my soul last night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
