Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
