DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize