I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize