I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
