When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
