Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
