Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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