my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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