Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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