The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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