you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
