i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
