He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
