I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
