I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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