Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
