i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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