Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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