I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
