Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
