Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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