Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
