My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
