woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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