What did we do last night that was yellow?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
