Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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