That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
