What a fucking waste of an outfit
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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