the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
