woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
