all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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